The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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