Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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