Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
