I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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