Swine flu. Run for my life!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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