I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
