My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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