apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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