my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
