what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
