Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
