By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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