Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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