i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
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