happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
