just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
