Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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