the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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