If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
