Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
