So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
