my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
