I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
