oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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