I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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