EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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