God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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