I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
