found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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