I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
