it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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