Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize