: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize