Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
