im six kinds of drunk right now
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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