so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
