Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
