I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
God, you're like boner-b-gone
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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