So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
