in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
