Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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