the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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