you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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