...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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