I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
