my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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