the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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