True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
