Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
