My first STD was from a foam party
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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