Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
