i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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