I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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