News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We got so high we made milksteak
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
